Dating in Destiny: A cautionary tale

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Chatterwhite shaders are my weakness – I was love-struck from the moment I eyed that husky-voiced Hunter and his glorious garb.

After I’d grown tired of the core content of “The Dark Below” , had my ass kicked on the new Crucible maps more times than I care to count and maxed out my weekly vanguard marks as per usual, it was time to haul myself to the Tower to find random level 31s who could help me complete the Nightfall Strike without derping.

I was a mere Level 24 newbie, complete with a fully-charged Atheon’s Epilogue (albeit in inexperienced hands), aimlessly bowing and waving to as many esteemed Guardians as humanly possible – until our virtual eyes met and at last a reciprocal bow had me squealing with glee.

Hotguy23 (not his real gamertag) had accepted my fireteam invitation! The first words that escaped from his lips were intoxicating: “Needing some help are you? I’ve just finished the new Raid.

“Hello? Are you there?”

I was mesmerized by the candour of his voice, how the syllables rolled off his tongue effortlessly and with a whisp of smokin’ hot ol’ fashioned sex appeal.

We exchanged niceties and went on our way to our destination, whereby we played a game of ‘reviving-me-more-times-than-I-can-count-as-I-was-‘terribad’-whilst-he-bravely-fought-off-Omnigul’s-minions’.

After what seemed like a short eternity, he’d carried me to a sweet victory, which scored me some much-needed Legendary Gear and Ascendant Shards (the nectar of my being), and I was now enveloped in conversation with this sultry-spoken hunk of virtual man meat.

sexyhunter

We returned to the Tower and flirted like two lovebirds, encircling one another in what could only be described as a rhythmic dance of true love, and as night turned to day I realised I’d been speaking to this kind wondrous Guardian for over three hours.

We had already established we bat for the same team, that we lived in the same city, so we were both keen as cucumbers to take our free-flowing conversation to the next level — adding one another to Facebook.

“That’s the easy route,” I told him. “To suss out each other’s pics, scan the mutual friends list for exes, and probably never meet up. No, let’s go down the old fashioned route: Let’s take a damn chance.”

I was wildly confident we would be a match in real life (we were kindred spirits in Destiny after all).

Hell, I’d spent so many hours grinding in that damn game, deliriously cramming over 200 hours gameplay time over the course of a few weeks, I was having trouble differentiating between the two worlds anyway.

As far as I knew I wasn’t a judgmental person based on looks (even though I’m a sucker for Ian Somerhalder and Brenton Thwaites, God love ’em) so nothing could go awry.

Oh, my.

We met two days later, at a Mocha-scented cafe in trendy Fitzroy, my mind still re-playing his skillful mastery with The Last Word and his adept handling of his Golden Gun (giggles).

Suffice to say, blind dates are better left to last century, because as Hotguy23 sauntered in through the entrance of the cafe my fondness for him evaporated quicker than a cappuccino left outside in Coober Pedy.

I’d foreseen a raven-haired muscular stud with alabaster skin and steel blue eyes to waltz in and stamp a proverbial decree of ‘officialdom’ across every inch of our blossoming cyber-relationship. He’d gotten me hot and bothered by mentioning his sporting achievements in rowing and his penchant for cross-fit throughout the course of our XBL conversations… yet it took only once glance and my studly Guardian had been replaced by a Phogoth-imitator.

We’re still friends on Xbox Live, and we occasionally raid together every now and then (I’m now level 31 and shun his attempts to carry me), and we at least have good memories of our fleeting Future War Cult-enlisted bromance.

My message to all you ‘Desti-daters’ is simply this: your new Warlock squeeze may (nay, will) differ in the real world.

Hotguy23 taught me this valuable life lesson.

Unpacked is Stevivor’s newest feature where we dissect an element or elements we loved or loathed in a recently-released game.