Quasi-review: Ar nosurge: Ode to an Unborn Star

I played an hour of Argo No Kama Sutra Ode To The Unibomber Starred. It is not an hour I particularly needed, which is a good thing, because I would hate to think that I could have spent that hour achieving something other than being confused as all hell. Be warned: if you want to play this game, I suggest watching hours and hours and hours of Japanese television, and learning Japanese, and having incredibly low standards and Azberhgarian standards of remembering useless facts.

Argh No Surchage is an absolute clusterf*ck of nonsense, and I have no idea how anyone outside of Japan is meant to understand what’s going on. Seriously, watch this and let me know in the comments if any of this makes sesne to you:

https://youtu.be/qAWkOM9QFWkFor comparison, here’s FFVII’s opening:

https://youtu.be/7DV_26f7-4ESee how that’s more grounded in reality? Like, there’s a train and chugging noises and a shift in the musical score to create tension and whatnot? That’s called ‘being good at what you’re trying to convey’, or in French, ‘être bon à ce que vous essayez de transmettre’.

Normally, I remember things in exquisite HD detail. Hell, I still remember some of the passages of the Iliad I had to memorise for a test back in my uni days, but this is the Salvidore Dali of mind-melting. Ironically, I played this with my girlfriend who, after consuming any video based media will immediately forget what’s just transpired. I’d never understood how or why this happens to some people, until right now: there are some things in life that just don’t fit in your skull.

Abortion Star: Ode To Notre Dame starts off in a dream sequence with people I don’t know and don’t care about, talking about things I can’t fathom and taking a leisurely stroll around somewhere. I’d love to tell you where, but that knowledge is a luxury I was doomed to go without. Just picture halls…that are ‘pretty’…in a McDonald’s ‘pretty’ kind of way, completely detached from anything remotely human or interesting.

Then you wake up as Main Character. Main Character (or MC for short) is some guy who owns a restaurant for some reason. It’s here that MC finds his first challenge: his restaurant has no ingredients! Note: not food, ingredients to make food with.

I laughed at this point, because what kind of Chihuahua-brained subhuman wouldn’t figure out that, to have a restaurant, it would have to sell food at some point? Further, who was the subhuman Chihuahua that wrote this garbage?

Somewhere in between here, or maybe it was at the start, I’m not sure, but there’s a point where they go through the history of what’s going on. There’s an empress, and a spaceship, and everyone’s on the spaceship because the empress failed to take them to a new world because their old one was going to blow up. Because of monsters, or something. I think they were called genomes, but to avoid confusion, let’s call them gnomes.

Gnomes look like how seven year old boys think like robots look like. I’m not even sure if they are robots, but they are bad, because they’re trying to get into your city, I think. Oh yeah, and there are two human factions, one of them like the Gnomes and the other one doesn’t, and they couldn’t come to a cordial agreement, or maybe someone ate all the canapes at the time of the agreement, but whatever happened, there’s bad blood. I think.

MC is accompanied by a girl who is a person that is both annoying and apparently helpful in combat. She sings, which buffs MC, I strongly assume, and that does something during the combat where your job is to mash buttons until the enemies in front of you are no longer there. As a warning for those of you who want to try this game and suffer from epilepsy, don’t. While you’re desperately getting your cranium around the thirteen thousand messages telling you how things work and why they work, before you do the same mindless button abuse that seems to work anyway, you’re going to be subjected to some pretty harsh colours. All of the colours, all of the time.

There’s another singing girl, and this one wears the weirdest underpants I’ve ever seen. You know how bumsters or hipsters or whatever the hell they’re called come up from the bottom and go halfway across the butt? Not supporting the bottom of the bottom? Those are sexy. As far as humanities inventions go, that is seriously my favourite. I would gladly give up vaccines for those. I also like gstrings and t strings and the e string, the deepest string on my bass guitar…but the underwear on this girl are designed in such a way that they give the appearance of ‘not being pulled up’.

Your vision is assaulted by butt crack. It’s not sexy, or alluring, or particularly stylish. It just looks like she just woke up, covered as much as she thought she needed to in order to walk past her roommates to the toilet for a morning piss.

Other people actually show up at this point, which is nice because the game makes you feel like it’s just you and Number 1 Singing Girl stuck in a students HSC gaming project until then.

Number 2 Singing Girl introduces the (much needed) mechanic of making food at your retarded restaurant by having the right ingredients and then doing a dance. It’s the most Japanese thing I’ve ever seen, and by Japanese, I mean completely absurd. It is the Grand Canyon of culture gaps, and a Mariana Trench depth level of discovery.

Now, I’m not a genius, or a mathemagician, or even literate. But what I do know is that if you keep playing, something probably happens. I will never, ever know what it is, because I don’t think I have the mental fortitude to undergo that feat, but there you have it. Something probably happens.

I give Hey Arnold: Odeleee Hee Hoo a Wut/10.